I, oftentimes, feel like I get stuck in these ruts that I create myself – and it becomes really hard to dig myself out. I feel as though when I start something new that I abandon and let down the old. The guilt bears down on my shoulders so heavily that the breaking point gets closer and closer as the days pass and nights begin. I’m excited and exhilarated to be involved in a new chapter, but the time always comes when I mourn and grieve what I have left behind. I always want to say that I have left that chapter open and unfinished, but can never truly commit to that in my thoughts and that makes me angry with myself. I fear the loss of good people and environments because of the risk that is run in not fully saying goodbye.
- What if those people never know how much they have helped me and influenced my life?
- Will those people be okay if I leave them behind?
- Will they forget about me?
- What if the next chapter I move on to…sucks? That would mean I made a mistake…and…I totally shouldn’t have left this all behind and I’ll feel like a total idiot having done so. Ugh.
I want to be the best friend and companion that they have been for me, but I find myself failing. Disappointing myself. Doubting myself.
Interestingly, though, whenever I start a new chapter I always seem to surround myself with those that remind me of the people that have always made me happy. Making new, strong connections. Just like the very first connections – the ones that I’ve known from the beginning. So, should I be doubting my doubt?
Souls are meant to be connected and intertwined. Being real helps you to find those souls that will impact your life and make it worth living.
It’s important to accept the fact that you might never know reasons why people come and go out of your life. Just embrace it and be grateful. What you don’t know will not hurt you.
I have learned that very often I lose sight of the things that I love and that truly make me happiest. They get put on the back burner and before you know it…you smell them burning. This has been a rough stage in my life, this “twenty-something”*** from the standpoint that I’ve sort of been floating amongst a sea of possibilities, but never been able to grab them with all of my strength.
Going into the new year, I’m working toward ACTION. I’m moving toward acting on closure, acting on change, taking action to make change for myself. Even if I don’t grab ahold of anything for too long or too firmly (*ahem…) this year…I sure as hell am going to be in my little bikini…treading…and treading…and grabbing on to all floaties that come my way.
My therapist told me to ACT MEANINGFULLY and “act with meaning.” Getting up a little later in the morning, making your coffee extra large, skipping yoga (I mean, work…), fucking your guts out 4 instead of 3 times, ya know…koom bay yah shit. Whatever it is…those things should be worth it. Otherwise…what the fuck is the point, man?
Happy New Year.
***This note was originally written in “twenty-somethings” and has, since, been modified for “thirty-somethings.”